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<blockquote data-quote="Quintilian" data-source="post: 78711" data-attributes="member: 10">I often feel that I cannot nor will ever amount to anything, mean anything to anyone. Lying to yourself is one form of self-hatred, I&#039;ve spent most of my life residing in a fantasy due to the traumas inflicted upon me. I don&#039;t trust family, it seems odd that I feel more alien from them then close, I feel alone whether with them or not and all I desire is to be alone. When I get my apartment, I will be able to die alone and if not die alone- rather I will be alone and miserable. I will have my God, but I never came to him on my own merit, it will be as a phantom, sometimes I wish that if I had never gotten taken from that group home as a kid and never was taken by my father, maybe my life might have been better or maybe I would be dead mentality, but at least I would be psychologically gone.I wish that God would take me in my sleep, because most of my life has been a failure, I might benefit for a time, but then something breaks along the way. The day I leave everything behind, I will have been so broken that I will walk as if alive, in reality who or what I was will be nonexistent. I just hope when God takes me to never come back to this realm, I hope that I perish asleep. I never lived, curse that wretched family and curse them for all their evil.Jesus Christ, be with me always....</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Quintilian, post: 78711, member: 10"] I often feel that I cannot nor will ever amount to anything, mean anything to anyone. Lying to yourself is one form of self-hatred, I've spent most of my life residing in a fantasy due to the traumas inflicted upon me. I don't trust family, it seems odd that I feel more alien from them then close, I feel alone whether with them or not and all I desire is to be alone. When I get my apartment, I will be able to die alone and if not die alone- rather I will be alone and miserable. I will have my God, but I never came to him on my own merit, it will be as a phantom, sometimes I wish that if I had never gotten taken from that group home as a kid and never was taken by my father, maybe my life might have been better or maybe I would be dead mentality, but at least I would be psychologically gone. I wish that God would take me in my sleep, because most of my life has been a failure, I might benefit for a time, but then something breaks along the way. The day I leave everything behind, I will have been so broken that I will walk as if alive, in reality who or what I was will be nonexistent. I just hope when God takes me to never come back to this realm, I hope that I perish asleep. I never lived, curse that wretched family and curse them for all their evil. Jesus Christ, be with me always.... [/QUOTE]

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