Been stuck on the first step for 4 years.

[Puer Aeternus]

My only advice, is that when better times come.

such as being manic and willing to work, you're supposed to hide all your rotter devices, and force yourself to do nothing, or read books.

This will be a mental torture, but much less of a torture spending your next 4 years doing nothing.

Use good times to hinder bad times.