- Thread Author
- #1
I didn't know about the deep emotional world hidden within me, and all the things that were concealed under so many pretexts. As a man, I often wished I were a woman, thinking that only women were allowed to feel intensely. Many times, while consuming weed, the judgmental thought would come: "Why do I have to be so sensitive?", "Why do I have to feel so intensely?". The thing is, it's precisely this "intense feeling" that provided the liberation from some conflicts I held in my head. I feel like I've spent my whole life like a robot.
I believe that as a man, and as a person with a mind predisposed to analysis and logic, it was quite common to intellectualize everything, and that precisely included my emotions. The biggest problem: you won't be able to understand what you feel unless you feel it intensely. Reason is just a shield to avoid confronting pain directly.
All I would do was put on a song that reflected my emotional state and close my eyes. I'd sing it deeply until I forgot myself. If necessary, I'd dance and do all sorts of antics. I've done this many times and continue to do so. It's as if each time, a new being emerged. Someone mentally different, with the capacity to look at themselves and label themselves as immature, dramatic, over-the-top, idiotic, stupid, and other things that would be painful to acknowledge at first glance. Each emotion revealed itself as something profoundly stupid when felt so intensely and deeply; it's like being a squeezed orange.
After feeling so intensely and crying it all out again and again, without repressing anything... Nothing was left, and consequently, no one was left. Perhaps I'm starting to understand what they mean by "enlightenment." I'd say we are just a thought, a story that is constantly reinforcing itself. Every sensation and thought gives rise to thoughts that perpetuate this story that there is someone inside the body to whom life happens, but it would be more appropriate to say that we are life itself. Honestly, I believe these kinds of experiences can provide the ability to create a personality completely at will.
There are also things that often feel silly to do, especially from my male perspective, and that topic concerns "self-love." From my logical masculine perspective, it's easy to label it as stupid and meaningless, though I think that makes me a hypocrite. If life itself is the ultimate manifestation of irrationality, then doing something as irrational as loving myself shouldn't be a big deal. I put on a love song, my headphones followed, and as I sang, I dedicated it to myself and hugged myself. In my head, thoughts arose proclaiming how stupid it was to do all this, but I did it. Again and again, I've done this, and each time it feels better. In the end, it's possible to generate a part of the brain's neurochemistry of love through ourselves.
I did everything with so much emotion within me, whether it was sadness, anger, love, depression, and so on. One song for each, close my eyes and sing, over and over again. Until the act stopped being so important and I stopped taking myself so seriously. All the drama I had made of my life dissolved, and each time I felt freer. As if everything stopped being personal, seeing the true absurdity of this life.
Honestly, the liberation felt is so immense that right now I could die in peace. Just that. Die in peace, because what doesn't allow me to die in peace is the drama I create within myself.
I believe that as a man, and as a person with a mind predisposed to analysis and logic, it was quite common to intellectualize everything, and that precisely included my emotions. The biggest problem: you won't be able to understand what you feel unless you feel it intensely. Reason is just a shield to avoid confronting pain directly.
All I would do was put on a song that reflected my emotional state and close my eyes. I'd sing it deeply until I forgot myself. If necessary, I'd dance and do all sorts of antics. I've done this many times and continue to do so. It's as if each time, a new being emerged. Someone mentally different, with the capacity to look at themselves and label themselves as immature, dramatic, over-the-top, idiotic, stupid, and other things that would be painful to acknowledge at first glance. Each emotion revealed itself as something profoundly stupid when felt so intensely and deeply; it's like being a squeezed orange.
After feeling so intensely and crying it all out again and again, without repressing anything... Nothing was left, and consequently, no one was left. Perhaps I'm starting to understand what they mean by "enlightenment." I'd say we are just a thought, a story that is constantly reinforcing itself. Every sensation and thought gives rise to thoughts that perpetuate this story that there is someone inside the body to whom life happens, but it would be more appropriate to say that we are life itself. Honestly, I believe these kinds of experiences can provide the ability to create a personality completely at will.
There are also things that often feel silly to do, especially from my male perspective, and that topic concerns "self-love." From my logical masculine perspective, it's easy to label it as stupid and meaningless, though I think that makes me a hypocrite. If life itself is the ultimate manifestation of irrationality, then doing something as irrational as loving myself shouldn't be a big deal. I put on a love song, my headphones followed, and as I sang, I dedicated it to myself and hugged myself. In my head, thoughts arose proclaiming how stupid it was to do all this, but I did it. Again and again, I've done this, and each time it feels better. In the end, it's possible to generate a part of the brain's neurochemistry of love through ourselves.
I did everything with so much emotion within me, whether it was sadness, anger, love, depression, and so on. One song for each, close my eyes and sing, over and over again. Until the act stopped being so important and I stopped taking myself so seriously. All the drama I had made of my life dissolved, and each time I felt freer. As if everything stopped being personal, seeing the true absurdity of this life.
Honestly, the liberation felt is so immense that right now I could die in peace. Just that. Die in peace, because what doesn't allow me to die in peace is the drama I create within myself.
