Depression It doesn't get better

[Indrid]

I turned 23 last month, and the lonely nights aren't getting easier. I'm still a miserable bastard the moment everyone goes offline for the night and my distractions don't work. I decided a while back if things don't get better before thirty I'd rope the day before my 30th birthday. Now that it's getting closer and closer without any improvements, no matter how hard I try, it's becoming less conditional and more inevitable. As much as I want things to get better, I'm still a shut-in. I have no real world friends and no way of gaining them. I try to go outside, but anything beyond a simple trip with a clear goal, like getting booze, is too much. I feel out of place and like everyone is staring at me. 2032 will be the last year I live, at least I get to see who wins the 2032 election, I might as well bet all in on my prediction as well since it won't matter. Maybe if I win several thousand I'd feel enough joy and continue for a few more years.

My parents don't like the fact I want to rope so I don't even tell them about the deadline. It's basically over for me. Having a deadline is kind of comforting as well, I don't have to deal with this until I grow old, because I won't grow old. My mom bought me this light therapy thing, it barely works anymore. I feel okay for about 10 minutes after the timer runs out before I go back to feeling like shit. I see a psychologist monthly, I get meds for the depression, changes work for about a week or two before going back to shit. I'm not telling them about the deadline because I'm not going back to the loony bin.

I'm pretty sure I have insomnia or a fucked up circadium rhythm as well, no matter how much I try to fix my sleep schedule it doesn't work. I used things like melatonin, zzzquil, and some perscription stuff. I either sleep right after, or I'm up for another hour. Either way, I often sleep for 12+ hours after using one. When I tried to work, I attempted suicide one day because I was incredibly miserable, more so than I am now. I obviously know how fucked working in modern day America is, especially for NDs. I never stood a chance. Many people I interacted with in real life knew something was off about me, and treated me harshly because of it. The women were worse. They acted as if I couldn't tell they were looking down on me. Fuck my stupid autistic life. At least I get NEETBux for this shit. I don't even want a girlfriend anymore, I just want a friend, but even that's too much. I hate everything. I'm glad I only have 7 more years of this shit.

I know I haven't posted in a long while and this is a ramble and not at all organized, I just typed as I went.

 

[Suigin Trismegistus]

Your state of mind is reminiscent of the one I had in my early 20s, although suicide wasn't nearly on my mind as much, too burnt out from school or working to think that far ahead. Eventually, the depression, anxiety and insomnia faded away as major issues as I became more independent, despite being even more isolated and lonely at times.

Light therapy helps to a degree with depression, I use it as well, but if your diet is garbage you're just sabotaging yourself. A healthy gut and microbiome is far more important in regulating your mental state and staving off gloom and despair. Mold illness, caused by exposure to household mold, can really fuck you up as well, so something to look into. A dysfunctional microbiome and mold exposure are linked as contributing factors for autism spectrum disorders. Most doctors don't know shit about it either, they're all incentivized to push SSRIs and other junk.

Accepting who are as a person is important. It's okay to be alone, to be where you are in life, you don't have to prove yourself to no one. Just be.

Eventually, you may come to realize you are your own best friend and treat yourself accordingly.

 

[johnvee]

When I had more going for me I wanted to rope, now that I'm old, fat and ugly I don't want to rope anymore.

I try to look at what I do have rather than what I dont have now and it works to keep me satisfied, I set goals for myself and do my best to achieve them.