Depression motivation killed and other depressive shit

[slingybingy]

This is my first post here but fuck it saw a depression tag.
Over the last few months I haven't had the motivation to do anything. Over the last few weeks Ive been having some suicidal thoughts. 2 nights ago I had a full mental breakdown for 4 hours straight from feeling so alone and empty in life. I cant even find the motivation or want to do anything I would normally enjoy like playing video games or watching anime. Ive gathered a bit of a obsession to hatsune miku recently and shes part of the reason why I even still have some sort of happiness. Every time i feel a little down I go to youtube or Instagram to watch her do funny or cute things and it makes me happier. I dont know how i managed to get attached like this but I think its a combination of feeling really fucking lonely and nothing else keeps me happy like it. My mental state is so fucked up but I have a psychiatrist visit in about a week so im hoping that helps. Any words of advice apprecated

 

[slingybingy]

this fag @Indrid is the only reason I havent been having much crazy thoughts over the last few days

 

[Indrid]

I have a psychiatrist visit in about a week so im hoping that helps

The pills my psychiatrist prescribes me numbs my emotions but that does beat the alternative of wanting to kill myself, but they hate how much I drink which is annoying.

 

[Tabula Rasa]

What problems have you been facing in life?

 

[Two-jay]

This is my first post here but fuck it saw a depression tag.
Over the last few months I haven't had the motivation to do anything. Over the last few weeks Ive been having some suicidal thoughts. 2 nights ago I had a full mental breakdown for 4 hours straight from feeling so alone and empty in life. I cant even find the motivation or want to do anything I would normally enjoy like playing video games or watching anime. Ive gathered a bit of a obsession to hatsune miku recently and shes part of the reason why I even still have some sort of happiness. Every time i feel a little down I go to youtube or Instagram to watch her do funny or cute things and it makes me happier. I dont know how i managed to get attached like this but I think its a combination of feeling really fucking lonely and nothing else keeps me happy like it. My mental state is so fucked up but I have a psychiatrist visit in about a week so im hoping that helps. Any words of advice apprecated

The neurochemistry of love you can generate by yourself can help you 'fight' depression and loneliness. You could try doing 'Loving-kindness' meditation and see if it makes you feel better.

 

[slingybingy]

What problems have you been facing in life?

I have like it feels like crazy weight on me that I cant shake. around the same time every night around midnight is usually when i breakdown. I couldnt contain myself the other day when I broke down for 4 hours my pillow was so fucking soaked. The feelings of hopelessness and feelings of "does this even matter" persist through the whole day. its fucking hell

 

[slingybingy]

The pills my psychiatrist prescribes me numbs my emotions but that does beat the alternative of wanting to kill myself, but they hate how much I drink which is annoying.

fuck those faggots keep drinking

 

[Tabula Rasa]

I have like it feels like crazy weight on me that I cant shake. around the same time every night around midnight is usually when i breakdown. I couldnt contain myself the other day when I broke down for 4 hours my pillow was so fucking soaked. The feelings of hopelessness and feelings of "does this even matter" persist through the whole day. its fucking hell

How long has this been going on for?

 

[slingybingy]

How long has this been going on for?

I would say ive been having some issues for around a year but over the last few months its been starting to like turn into a insane loss of care and motivation to do shit. The last idk 1-2 weeks ive been having nightly breakdowns where ill cry myself to sleep

 

[slingybingy]

The neurochemistry of love you can generate by yourself can help you 'fight' depression and loneliness. You could try doing 'Loving-kindness' meditation and see if it makes you feel better.

I dont really know how to reply to that im not into religous stuff or nothing so ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

[Tabula Rasa]

I would say ive been having some issues for around a year but over the last few months its been starting to like turn into a insane loss of care and motivation to do shit. The last idk 1-2 weeks ive been having nightly breakdowns where ill cry myself to sleep

Seems like your condition has further deteriorated over the past few months. There was probably a trigger point or series of events in your life in the leadup towards it, or maybe it's just biological if you can't really pinpoint anything.

 

[slingybingy]

Seems like your condition has further deteriorated over the past few months. There was probably a trigger point or series of events in your life in the leadup towards it, or maybe it's just biological if you can't really pinpoint anything.

I have a idea on whats really amplifying it and thats my loss of vision over the last year and I honostly should of put this in the main post but uh. around the same time I started having some deppresive feelings and stuff i started to lose my vison. I was supposed to get surgery for my condition like 2 months ago but they basiclly told me fuck you and now its not happening for a long time. I definitly think its a big reason but another big problem ive been having is like nobody fucking likes me and I cant shake the feeling of like if i stopped reaching out to people they wouldnt care and wouldnt reach out back. Ive even tried messaging old school friends they basiclly told me to fuck off. I cant ever hold friendships with anyone and ive gotten so down bad with who ive been talking to I think its made it even worse. Im really trying to find people to talk to me and help me through this shit but everyone i talk to just seems to disengenuous. Ive been on reddit and stuff to try and find people ive been activly browsing r/lonely to try and find something but nothing goes anywhere. I met someone on a discord server made for lonely people but I still kinda just dont think they really care about me sometimes and it really seems like they talk to me out of pity. Im trying so hard to find people and stuff but nobody fucking cares and a lot of the experiences I have with people are very negetive. Ive been made fun of for being so fucking addicted to miku stuff and it fucking sucks but its the only thing kinda keeping me happy. This shit is all paired together for a deadly combination of shitty circemstances for my fucked up mental state im sure. While im sure once I do finally get surgery and stuff and can see and do stuff outside of online again ill still be crazily alone and im a social guy so I think it fucks with my mental even more. The vision stuff is like very shitty but im a fuckin neet anyway I dont really give that much of a fuck its the lonelyness shit i cant really deal with.

 

[slingybingy]

sorry for wall of text

 

[Tabula Rasa]

sorry for wall of text

No need to apologize, nothing wrong with it.

 

[Indrid]

im a social guy

I was at one point too but I eventually grew to enjoy solitude.

 

[Tabula Rasa]

I have a idea on whats really amplifying it and thats my loss of vision over the last year and I honostly should of put this in the main post but uh. around the same time I started having some deppresive feelings and stuff i started to lose my vison. I was supposed to get surgery for my condition like 2 months ago but they basiclly told me fuck you and now its not happening for a long time.

Health issues really suck, they make the experience of living more shitty than what it already is. I hope you manage to get your surgery done in the end.

I definitly think its a big reason but another big problem ive been having is like nobody fucking likes me and I cant shake the feeling of like if i stopped reaching out to people they wouldnt care and wouldnt reach out back. Ive even tried messaging old school friends they basiclly told me to fuck off. I cant ever hold friendships with anyone and ive gotten so down bad with who ive been talking to I think its made it even worse. Im really trying to find people to talk to me and help me through this shit but everyone i talk to just seems to disengenuous. Ive been on reddit and stuff to try and find people ive been activly browsing r/lonely to try and find something but nothing goes anywhere. I met someone on a discord server made for lonely people but I still kinda just dont think they really care about me sometimes and it really seems like they talk to me out of pity. Im trying so hard to find people and stuff but nobody fucking cares and a lot of the experiences I have with people are very negetive. Ive been made fun of for being so fucking addicted to miku stuff and it fucking sucks but its the only thing kinda keeping me happy. This shit is all paired together for a deadly combination of shitty circemstances for my fucked up mental state im sure. While im sure once I do finally get surgery and stuff and can see and do stuff outside of online again ill still be crazily alone and im a social guy so I think it fucks with my mental even more. The vision stuff is like very shitty but im a fuckin neet anyway I dont really give that much of a fuck its the lonelyness shit i cant really deal with.

I've had similar experiences and feelings of loneliness. It's been close to a decade since I've had anyone who I could really call a 'friend', but to be honest, I've been living a lonely life from the beginning. I was born an only child and had a very isolated childhood. I remember even from a young age I was cognisant about death and wondering why I was even born in the first place. In secondary schooling, I was a social outcast, people were hostile towards me and nobody wanted anything to do with me. I had a similar emotional experience, everyday I felt like wanting to kill myself and cried in my bed at night.

This happened for years on end, and my situation didn't really change. I got so used to it that I eventually became numb to the pain, I basically became like a zombie.

I think with depression and bad life circumstances, people become acclimatized and adapt to what they're going through. It's kind of similar to the concept of the hedonic treadmill, people with fortunate circumstances who become dissatisfied with their already well-off state of life. It also happens downwardly on a lower vertical.

 

[Tabula Rasa]

I was at one point too but I eventually grew to enjoy solitude.

Same. I never really got along well with other people and I got so sick with my bad dealings with them that I just didn't want anything to do with them.

 

[slingybingy]

Health issues really suck, they make the experience of living more shitty than what it already is. I hope you manage to get your surgery done in the end.

I've had similar experiences and feelings of loneliness. It's been close to a decade since I've had anyone who I could really call a 'friend', but to be honest, I've been living a lonely life from the beginning. I was born an only child and had a very isolated childhood. I remember even from a young age I was cognisant about death and wondering why I was even born in the first place. In secondary schooling, I was a social outcast, people were hostile towards me and nobody wanted anything to do with me. I had a similar emotional experience, everyday I felt like wanting to kill myself and cried in my bed at night.

This happened for years on end, and my situation didn't really change. I got so used to it that I eventually became numb to the pain, I basically became like a zombie.

I think with depression and bad life circumstances, people become acclimatized and adapt to what they're going through. It's kind of similar to the concept of the hedonic treadmill, people with fortunate circumstances who become dissatisfied with their already well-off state of life. It also happens downwardly on a lower vertical.

growing up I hate lots of friends and always had a girlfriend and was basically never alone. People even during school liked me and would actively seek me out and shit to talk to me. I was the "leader" i guess youd say of a friend group of like 20 people during elementary school that consisted up until high school. The problem with all that is when I was partaking and stuff I was NOT a good friend to people. I would ignore people I would actively be rude to people that saw me as their friend and I was in general a dick. Ive changed and grown as a person from it but I still cant help but to feel everything thats happened to be since graduating highschool and my current state is all 100% deserved.

 

[slingybingy]

im really trying to not say its my fault or that it isnt deserved but it really feels that way and i cant shake it. Feels like my karma for being kinda a shitty friend to people in school

 

[slingybingy]

also another side effect ive kinda seen is i get really fucking jelous of people with friends and friendships even if they are bothered by them because they have people who activly seek out their company and seeing them happy pisses me off

 

[Tabula Rasa]

growing up I hate lots of friends and always had a girlfriend and was basically never alone. People even during school liked me and would actively seek me out and shit to talk to me. I was the "leader" i guess youd say of a friend group of like 20 people during elementary school that consisted up until high school. The problem with all that is when I was partaking and stuff I was NOT a good friend to people. I would ignore people I would actively be rude to people that saw me as their friend and I was in general a dick. Ive changed and grown as a person from it but I still cant help but to feel everything thats happened to be since graduating highschool and my current state is all 100% deserved.

Seems like you were a well-adjusted person with things looking up for you until your reputation took a nose-dive. If you've changed as a person, then there's no reason for you to still be so hung up about it. Yeah, you might be experiencing it's negative effects now but you shouldn't make yourself feel guilty over the past, it just adds unnecessary suffering.

 

[VioletBlast]

TRANNY

 

[slingybingy]

Seems like you were a well-adjusted person with things looking up for you until your reputation took a nose-dive. If you've changed as a person, then there's no reason for you to still be so hung up about it. Yeah, you might be experiencing it's negative effects now but you shouldn't make yourself feel guilty over the past, it's just adds unnecessary suffering.

just wish i was a better guy sometimes you can even fkn ask @Indrid since i knew him around the time that even to him I was a massive douche. sorry u been like having to reply to this shit if you dont wanna you dont have to. my self esteem has been so fucking cooked. and ive probaly devloped a sort of social anxiety bad to the point where im scared of even messaging my friends in fear of annoying them. Im really trying not to feel guilty for what I done but its hard

 

[Tabula Rasa]

just wish i was a better guy sometimes you can even fkn ask @Indrid since i knew him around the time that even to him I was a massive douche. sorry u been like having to reply to this shit if you dont wanna you dont have to. my self esteem has been so fucking cooked. and ive probaly devloped a sort of social anxiety bad to the point where im scared of even messaging my friends in fear of annoying them. Im really trying not to feel guilty for what I done but its hard

No, I don't mind talking.

 

[slingybingy]

I just wish I could meet new people and wasnt so fucking anxious all the time about shit. Maybe therapy and shit will help at least i hope, Just someone I can talk about all the minor shit with and will provide attention to it even if they are getting paid to do it i dont care. Just wanna feel something maybe i guess