Pizdets, let's play Balkanized America.

[Schwarzwald]

Pizdets! You beautiful degenerates strap in for Balkanized America, the greatest reality show never funded by your tax dollars.

The “United States” isn’t just dead, it’s been ritually disemboweled by its own citizens, left twitching on the floor like a IRL streamer who finally had there last cortisol spike. What rises from the corpse is a glorious, hate fueled EU style clusterfuck: a loose confederation of regional blobs that despise each other’s guts but still need to swap corn for iPhones and fentanyl for kombucha. Borders? Built. Walls? Electrified. Immigration? Now the most hypocritical, backstabbing, laugh until you cry geopolitical circle jerk imaginable. Every Karen and Tyrone who screamed “no human is illegal” last week is about to discover what a real passport check feels like when it’s their own cousin getting cavity searched at the Cascadia checkpoint.

Here’s how the map shatters:

Cascadia (WA, OR, BC, and whatever soggy Canadian scraps they can annex): Rain drenched eco fascist libertarians who think carbon taxes are foreplay and pronouns are the new currency. These pasty, bearded, kombucha guzzling soy vampires will lecture you about decolonizing your lawn while their private militias of trust fund anarchists round up any Asian tech workers who look too productive because nothing says green future like a little light ethnic cleansing in the name of salmon habitat. They’ll legalize shrooms for therapy but ban your gas mower faster than you can say microaggression. Migration policy? Only let in the most insufferable blue state refugees who can prove they’ve never eaten meat and own at least three Patagonia vests. Bonus: their new national anthem is just whale sounds mixed with passive aggressive sighs.

California Republic (CA, NV, HI, and whatever beachfront they can steal from Mexico this week): Globalist dystopia on steroids high taxes, higher regulations, and the world’s most expensive therapy bills. Picture Hollywood pedophiles, Silicon Valley eugenicist billionaires, and Latina OnlyFans entrepreneurs all cosplaying as “progressives” while their private armies of Mexican cartel adjacent security forces keep the poors out of Malibu. Black folks fleeing here will finally get to live their eugenicist dreams: state funded IQ tests and “voluntary” sterilization programs rebranded as “reproductive justice for the melanin enriched.” White liberals? They’ll be the ones getting rounded up for “re education” when the Asians they imported start demanding actual competence instead of diversity quotas. Visas required. Proof of net worth mandatory. Your gender? Negotiable, but your carbon footprint better be lower than a vietnamese sweatshop.

Mountain Confederacy (ID, MT, WY, UT, CO, AZ, NM): Gun toting, resource raping, cousin fucking libertarian theocracy where the Mormons run the banks, the ranchers run the meth labs, and everybody agrees the only good federal agent is a taxidermied one. These toothless, flannel wearing, AR 15 fondling rednecks will welcome red state refugees with open arms and a background check that includes “how many times have you said the nigger unironically?” White people here are already practicing their “round up the Asians” drills just in case those model minority spreadsheets get too uppity about mining rights. Black migrants? They’ll be politely invited to form their own eugenics squads to “improve the stock” of the inner city refugees who keep showing up thinking it’s still 2020. Their economy? Uranium, beef, and whatever Bitcoin the Mormons haven’t tithed yet. Their foreign policy? “Fuck off or get shot.”

Great Lakes Union (MN, WI, MI, IL, IN, OH, PA): Post industrial rust belt Frankenstein stitched together from cheese eating Germans, angry Poles, and whatever remains of the UAW after the robots won. These doughy, passive aggressive midwesterners will smile while they passive aggressively starve you out with 47 different forms to buy a beer. Their new national sport is complaining about the weather while secretly breeding the most efficient alcoholics on earth. White folks here will finally admit they miss the days when Asians were just “those quiet kids who fixed our cars,” and start quietly rounding them up for “repatriation to the innovation hubs” (translation: get the fuck back to California). Black eugenicists? They’ll thrive state funded programs to optimize the gene pool of the welfare migrants who keep showing up expecting free cheese curds and reparations. Their motto: “Nice place you got here. Mind if we unionize it into the ground?”

New England & Atlantic Seaboard (NY, NJ, CT, MA, RI, VT, NH, ME, DE, MD): Finance, media, academia, and the world’s largest concentration of people who’ve never met a minority they didn’t want to lecture from a 3 million dollar brownstone. These neurotic, Ivy league, wine mom jews and their WASP adjacent pets will tax your soul for existing while importing every third world warlord’s kid on a diversity visa. White people rounding up Asians? Already happening in the Hamptons those model minority overachievers are getting quietly deported for cultural incompatibility with our vibrant failure rates. Black eugenicists get full scholarships here to study “why your kids keep shooting each other” while the elites clutch their pearls and blame the guns they’ve never touched. Their new currency? Guilt and substack subscriptions. Their immigration policy? Only the most insufferable blue check refugees who can prove they’ve canceled at least three family members.

The South (VA to TX, FL to AR, minus the Lone Star because reasons): Evangelical low tax manufacturing jesusland where the megachurches run the economy and the only thing faster than a NASCAR lap is the speed at which they’ll call you a degenerate. These drawling, biscuit eating, cousin marrying revival tent warriors will welcome red state refugees with sweet tea and a shotgun wedding. Black folks fleeing blue states? They’ll be encouraged to start their own eugenics programs state funded family planning clinics that somehow only sterilize the ones who keep voting for more gibs. White people? Already practicing their round up the asians drills in the suburbs because those rice farmers keep buying up the Walmarts. Their economy? Guns, bibles, and whatever Chinese knockoffs they can tariff into oblivion. Their foreign policy? “Y’all come back now after you pass the Jesus test and the background check.”

Texas (just Texas, because fuck you, that’s why): The independent petro-theocracy that seceded so hard it took oklahoma with it just for the barbecue. These Stetson wearing, oil barron, border wall building maniacs will shoot first, ask questions never, and charge you a $10000 welcome tax to even breathe their air. Everybody else’s refugees get turned into target practice. Black eugenicists? They’ll get their own autonomous zone complete with state funded CRISPR for improving the race. Asians? Already being rounded up for national security because they keep winning at math. Their motto: “Don’t mess with Texas… or we’ll annex your sorry ass.”

Bonus fragments because why not: Alaska goes full sovereign Inuit MAGA hybrid and tells everyone to freeze. Puerto Rico becomes its own narco island paradise. D.C. is a walled city state of lobbyist vampires who now need visas to leave and infect the rest of us. Hawaii? Still California’s beach house, but now with even more expensive leis.

And here’s the beautiful, hypocritical punchline: every blue state refugee who spent the last decade screaming borders are racist is now applying for a cascadia work visa, proving their pronouns, and showing bank statements so the granola stasi don’t send them back to the flyover hell they escaped. Every red state refugee fleeing vaccine mandates is getting cavity searched at the texas border by a guy named cletus who demands proof you’ve never voted democrat. A New Yorker can’t just U-Haul to florida anymore he needs a residency permit, a loyalty oath to Jesus or satan depending on the blob, and a background check that includes “how many times have you tweeted #DefundThePolice?” A Texan can’t just drive to oregon to grow legal weed he needs a work visa, a carbon offset certificate, and proof he’s not secretly a based asshole.

Suddenly the people who burned cities for “open borders” are the ones building the tallest walls. The folks who called you a nazi for wanting id checks are now running the most draconian immigration systems since the Third Reich got rebranded as equity enforcement. It’s beautiful. It’s retarded. It’s the most american thing that’s ever happened.

 

[Schwarzwald]

And the real cherry on this shit sundae, you beautiful degens? Israel’s still basically running the whole goddamn American show from a Tel Aviv basement like it’s the world’s most expensive game of SimCity. Nothing really changed.

Every blob’s got its own shiny new regional AIPAC chapter Cascadia’s eco hipsters quietly wiring their carbon credits straight to Netanyahu while screaming about decolonizing Palestine, california’s hollywood billionaires greenlighting the next IDF propaganda blockbuster between therapy sessions and black eugenics clinics, the mountain rednecks shipping uranium to Israeli reactors while rounding up Asians for fun, the South’s megachurches passing the collection plate for “Judeo-Christian values” (read: more shekels), and Texas just straight up annexing the Gaza Strip in spirit every time they flip off the feds. Visas, walls, background checks, the whole hypocritical circus… but the real border? The one around the money, the media, and the special relationship? Wide fucking open, baby. Dual citizen lobbyists still own the game, every president (or whatever regional warlord replaces them) still gets the same friendly reminder call at 3 a.m., and the only thing that actually seceded was your ability to notice without getting called a Nazi. It’s beautiful. It’s retarded. It’s eternal. It's forever.

 

[CPT馬冠宇]

You skipped some states. I'm curious about OK.

Do I pick a faction?
How do I play?

 

[Schwarzwald]

THE ONLY REAL RULES:

1. No magic. You can't poof a missile silo into existence. You have to build it. Describe how. I'll decide if it works based on your resources, your location, and how hard you make me laugh.

2. The GM (me) does all the backend. You say "Florida opens the legal cocaine market." I roll the hidden dice. Maybe you get rich. Maybe the cartels eat your governor.(In a case like that you don't lose control you just have an extra random event) You don't need to know the numbers. You just need to live with the consequences.

3. You CAN roll a d100 if you want to tilt things. Before I resolve your action, say "I'm rolling a d100" and post the result. High is good. Low is bad. I'll adjust my secret roll accordingly. But you only get one d100 per turn, so use it wisely, you gambling addict.(Some events and resources will grant or take away rolls)

4. Natural buffs and debuffs exist. Florida has a space buff. New York has a finance buff but an invasion-of-Mexico debuff (logistics, bud). The Granola Stasi has a surveillance buff but a nobody likes you debuff. I'll tell you what your zone is good and bad at when you sign up. You can dispute but you can't whine.

5. Taxes? Laws? Go nuts. 1000% income tax? Sure. Execute anyone who wears crocs? Fine. But your people will react. I decide how. Maybe they revolt. Maybe they love it because you also gave them free beer. You don't get to control the mob. You only get to poke it with a stick.

6. You can be a warlord. You can be a utopian. You can switch every turn. The only constant: your resources are whatever you've actually built or stolen. If you spent three turns ignoring your farms and bombing your neighbors, don't be surprised when your army eats its own boots.

THAT'S IT.



SIGN-UP:

· Nation Name:

· Territory:

· One Natural Buff (I may override):

· One Natural Debuff (I may add):

· First Action (what do you do?):

· Do you accept that I, the GM, am God here? (Yes/No – No means you play Monopoly instead):

@馬冠宇 (chinaman characters not live in a paste bin associated to you, I hope you find enjoyment from that) good enough for rules for ya?


OH! I AM GOD AND ISRAEL! I WILL BE ASKING FOR BABY BLOOD AND FORESKIN WHENEVER THE MOOD STRIKES ME.

 

[CPT馬冠宇]

THE ONLY REAL RULES:

1. No magic. You can't poof a missile silo into existence. You have to build it. Describe how. I'll decide if it works based on your resources, your location, and how hard you make me laugh.

2. The GM (me) does all the backend. You say "Florida opens the legal cocaine market." I roll the hidden dice. Maybe you get rich. Maybe the cartels eat your governor.(In a case like that you don't lose control you just have an extra random event) You don't need to know the numbers. You just need to live with the consequences.

3. You CAN roll a d100 if you want to tilt things. Before I resolve your action, say "I'm rolling a d100" and post the result. High is good. Low is bad. I'll adjust my secret roll accordingly. But you only get one d100 per turn, so use it wisely, you gambling addict.(Some events and resources will grant or take away rolls)

4. Natural buffs and debuffs exist. Florida has a space buff. New York has a finance buff but an invasion-of-Mexico debuff (logistics, bud). The Granola Stasi has a surveillance buff but a nobody likes you debuff. I'll tell you what your zone is good and bad at when you sign up. You can dispute but you can't whine.

5. Taxes? Laws? Go nuts. 1000% income tax? Sure. Execute anyone who wears crocs? Fine. But your people will react. I decide how. Maybe they revolt. Maybe they love it because you also gave them free beer. You don't get to control the mob. You only get to poke it with a stick.

6. You can be a warlord. You can be a utopian. You can switch every turn. The only constant: your resources are whatever you've actually built or stolen. If you spent three turns ignoring your farms and bombing your neighbors, don't be surprised when your army eats its own boots.

THAT'S IT.



SIGN-UP:

· Nation Name:

· Territory:

· One Natural Buff (I may override):

· One Natural Debuff (I may add):

· First Action (what do you do?):

· Do you accept that I, the GM, am God here? (Yes/No – No means you play Monopoly instead):

@馬冠宇 (chinaman characters not live in a paste bin associated to you, I hope you find enjoyment from that) good enough for rules for ya?


OH! I AM GOD AND ISRAEL! I WILL BE ASKING FOR BABY BLOOD AND FORESKIN WHENEVER THE MOOD STRIKES ME.

You forgot to tell me about Oklahoma,
So im playing as a Nation and im playing within these regional alliances?
I dont understand details on Nation and Territory.

Give examples of the wildest things i can do

If im playing as a whole state im interested in playing as OK, FL, or PA

 

[Schwarzwald]

You forgot to tell me about Oklahoma,
So im playing as a Nation and im playing within these regional alliances?
I dont understand details on Nation and Territory.

Give examples of the wildest things i can do

If im playing as a whole state im interested in playing as OK, FL, or PA

Oklahoma deep lore (since you asked):
Flat, red dirt, tornado bait shithole that somehow became the meth and oil lovechild of Texas and Kansas after the big split. Think toothless cowboys riding Bitcoin mines while their cousins run the world’s most efficient underground cockfighting rings. Natural buff: Tornado Whisperer your militia can weaponize funnel clouds like divine artillery (describe the ritual and I’ll roll if it flattens Dallas or just gives your boys +10 rage). Debuff: Dust Bowl PTSD your farms randomly decide to commit suicide and your people start speaking in tongues about “the black blizzard comin’ again.” Wildest shit you can do? Declare every federal agent a human sacrifice to the Dust Gods, legalize dueling with AR-15s at high noon, then sell the bodies to California eugenics clinics as “premium prairie protein.” Or go full black eugenics: state funded CRISPR clinics in every trailer park turning welfare migrants into the ultimate Sooner super soldiers who can out drink, out shoot, and out meth anyone. Israel still gets their cut of the baby blood tithe, obviously.

Florida deep lore:
The meth gator Jesusland that already thinks it’s its own country. Buff: Space Pirate Kennedy Space Center is yours, baby. You can literally yeet cocaine rockets into orbit and rain down onlyfans satellites while the cartels pay you protection money in Colombian marching powder. Debuff: Hurricane Alzheimer’s every storm season your infrastructure forgets it exists and your retirees start eating each other. Wildest moves? Open the legal cocaine market like you wanted, but make it mandatory every citizen gets a government issued “Florida Man” starter pack of bath salts and a pet gator. Round up the incoming Asian tech refugees for “re-education” in the Everglades (they fix the rockets, we feed the gators). Black eugenicists get their own autonomous zone in Miami called New Wakanda South state funded sterilization clinics disguised as “free healthcare for the melanin enriched.” And yes, every quarter I, God/Israel, will demand my foreskin tithe or your space program gets divine weather.

Pennsylvania deep lore:
The rust belt cheese steak Frankenstein that’s basically Great Lakes Union’s angry drunk uncle. Buff: Union Zombie Horde your post industrial white ethnics and angry Poles can be turned into an unstoppable blue collar meat grinder that never sleeps and loves cheap beer. Debuff: Philly Rot your cities are literal cancer that spreads; ignore it too long and your whole state starts speaking in passive aggressive “yinz” while unionizing everything into the ground. Wildest shit? Legalize dueling with cheesesteaks (loser gets Whiz on their corpse). Hand Detroit style autonomous zones to the Black eugenicists in Pittsburgh (“New Wakanda North now with free Yuengling and mandatory vasectomies”). Round up the Asians in the burbs for “repatriation to innovation hubs” while your passive aggressive Midwestern smile hides the fact you’re taxidermying federal agents in your basement. Bonus: you can declare war on New Jersey just to watch them seethe while you steal their diners.

Examples of the absolute wildest shit you can pull:

Turn Oklahoma into a Bitcoin theocracy where every citizen must mine or be fed to the tornado gods.

Florida opens the world’s first legal bath salt theme park and uses the profits to invade Georgia for more beachfront.

Pennsylvania passes a 1000% tax on anyone who says “y’all” and uses the money to build a wall made of decommissioned steel mills.

Declare your state a sovereign Black eugenics ethnostate and invite every blue state refugee just to sterilize them with a smile.

Round up every Asian in your territory for “national security math re-education camps” and sell their spreadsheets to Israel for shekels.

Or go full retard: legalize croc execution, make every citizen adopt a pet gator, and demand Israel pay you baby blood tithes because you’re now running the real show.

 

[CPT馬冠宇]

Oklahoma is just so much my style.

I subsidize agriculture to the highest reasonable amount.

 

[Schwarzwald]

Oklahoma is just so much my style.

I subsidize agriculture to the highest reasonable amount.

Just oklahoma? Nothing surrounding it, no Protectorate state paying fidelity?

 

[CPT馬冠宇]

Just oklahoma? Nothing surrounding it, no Protectorate state paying fidelity?

This is why I was asking questions. So I'm supposed to play as multiple states? I don't know the limitations. You said it's Texas's little buddy.

Also by asking the wildest thing I can do I mean what is the wildest thing I can do in a turn

 

[Schwarzwald]

@CPT馬冠宇 you magnificent future warlord, yes Chinaman , Oklahoma is 100% your style and you’re already thinking like a king. Think about my OP like a stencil, any places that don't get picked by a player I'll run them. Let’s sew this up clean so we never have to answer the same questions again and you can stop asking like a confused lemmings and just start ruling.

You play exactly how you want.
You can run just Oklahoma as your sovereign little red dirt fiefdom and tell the rest of the Mountain Confederacy (and Texas, and whoever else) to eat a funnel cloud. Or, on your very first turn, you can claim any states that physically touch Oklahoma (Kansas, Missouri, Arkansas, Texas panhandle, Colorado, New Mexico; whatever you can justify and hold). Call them protectorates paying fidelity in Bitcoin and cousin pussy/cunny(I know you sick fucks) or straight up annex them.

Once more players sign up and the map fills out we’ll hash out bigger land grabs together. For now? You are God King of whatever slice you bite off. The whole GDP of your zone is yours to spend however the fuck you want. Utilities, oil, meth labs, Bitcoin mines, farms, tornado powered power plants sell it, export it, tax it at 1000%, burn it for fun. Loans? Secret societies? Capture every child under 12 and sell them to Israel for the baby-blood tithe? Make it illegal to be Black again and turn the whole state into an Asian-Slavic ethnostate where the only non-whites allowed are the ones you enslave as farm equipment? Legalize hunting bums for sport? Strip every woman of all rights and turn them into state owned breeding stock? Do it. All of it. Playground rules, baby. No magic, just describe how you do it and make me laugh. I roll the hidden dice. You live with the glorious, retarded consequences.

Turn length? One real world week = one in game turn(I am open to a month or even yearly quarters) . Keeps it snappy but lets shit actually happen (farms grow, eugenics programs mature, tornado gods get properly fed).

(¿?)You already dropped your first action(¿?) subsidize agriculture to the highest reasonable amount. Perfect. When you sign up I’ll resolve it with full unhinged flavor and tell you exactly what your Tornado Whisperer buff and Dust Bowl PTSD debuff do in practice.
So here’s the final, no more questions sign up. Copy, paste, fill it, and we ride:

· Nation Name: (Greater Soonerstan? Oklahoma Meth Empire? Black-Free Asian-Slavic Ethnostate? Whatever gets you hard)

· Territory: Oklahoma + any touching states you want to claim right now (list them)

· One Natural Buff: (Tornado Whisperer is already yours unless you want something even stupider)

· One Natural Debuff: (Dust Bowl PTSD is canon, but suggest something funnier if you want)

· First Action: (Expand on the agriculture subsidies make it retarded and funny. “I throw 1000% subsidies at every red dirt farmer, force them to grow Bitcoin fertilized corn, and sacrifice federal agents to the Dust Gods while rounding up the first wave of Black refugees for the new eugenics clinics.”)

· Do you accept that I, the GM, am God/Israel here? (Yes or I’ll make your first tornado eat your governor for fun and flood you with jeets)
Post it whenever you’re ready, king. No more questions needed. You’re now absolute ruler of your slice of the corpse. The rest of us will watch you turn Oklahoma into whatever glorious hate crime theme park you dream up while Israel quietly licks its lips for the first foreskin payment.

TLDR treat this like a fun roll playing writing exercise, I expect you to do something fun with the natives if you stick to Oklahoma.