Venting [Two-jay lore] The true reason why my belief systems changue so much.

Two-jay · Aug 16, 2025

I don't know if you have noticed it guys, but basically the reason for that is because I suffer from some chronic conditions. It all started with a chronic rhinitis which prevented me from sleeping well, in turn, I developed problems of TMJ and fatigue due to the constant sleep deprivation. After a failed surgery I think I developed something akin to empty nose syndrome. I think I'm recovering well though, but the thing is that it is possible I will have to deal with these problems for a very long long time.

This shit has been so painful that I literally went psychotic on the 25th of November of the previous year. It lasted for two weeks and it was the most crazy experience of my life lmao. Here you can read about some posts I made when I was crazy:

Success - I embraced spirituality as an atheist and my chronic symptoms began to disappear.

I FUCK TRIED ALL SORTS OF MEDICATION. I EVEN HAD ONE SURGERY. NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED. I WAS HIGHLY SUICIDAL, IN FACT, I COMITTED SUICIDE 8 TIMES WITH A ROPE. NONE OF THEM WORKED. I was an atheist because I saw so much suffering and pain in this world, and I also saw mine. My ego rejected...

elysianfields.se

Success - I embraced spirituality as an atheist and my chronic symptoms began to disappear.

I FUCK TRIED ALL SORTS OF MEDICATION. I EVEN HAD ONE SURGERY. NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED. I WAS HIGHLY SUICIDAL, IN FACT, I COMITTED SUICIDE 8 TIMES WITH A ROPE. NONE OF THEM WORKED. I was an atheist because I saw so much suffering and pain in this world, and I also saw mine. My ego rejected...

elysianfields.se

To make it short, I saw hallucinations of animals: dragons, tigers, an owl, a raven, a black beetle, a black scorpion. I saw angels, I saw demons. I became giga-giga low inhibition to the point where I could just go to a police officer and pretend saying things about terrorism or some shit like that, and also I felt like I could talk with anybody, I didn't feel any fear towards women too. It was super crazy, it was like having powers lmao. It all came down with its negative aspects too: giga-egocentrism, manipulative, and so on.

It was also during that time when I made these threads in .org:

The keys to being an ÜBERMENSCH. MENTAL-MAXXING TO STOP SUFFERING.

If only you knew guys... Every day I really confirm fear, grief, and shame as nothing more than mental psychological constructs to protect us from the pain.... But by giving myself and my body, mind, and soul to the pain, the fear, the grief, and the shame—any of those not pleasurable...

looksmax.org

Stop seeking validation from women, normies, and the SOYciety you hate so much.

THREAD MUSIC HAHAHAHAHAHA Imagine stopping doing what you like because "MUH LEAST ATTRACTIVE HOBBIES FOR WOMEN" JFLL:lul::lul::lul: Fucking stupid bitch ass foid, if i want to spend all the week playing videogames i will do it, you stupid bitch. And the worst? It happens too with normies...

looksmax.org

Good times I spent on .org, I am really thankful for that damn forum. I spent a lot of time shitposting there with a bunch of other autists during those difficult times.

So yeah, after that psychosis until now, I became obsessed with decreasing my suffering as having these symptoms means I have to deal wth them as I try to have a "normal life". Spirituality has played a big part into this, specially non-duality and Buddhism. Plus, I also started to psychoanalize myself autistically in order to reduce psychological triggers. Given the disillusionment with old beliefs, it feels like creating an identity only to see it die again, and this happens over and over and over. It is pain which triggers this process. Everything for the purpose of survival, but at the same time it has been very interesting, although very painful. One of the most intensive experiences I had was when I first saw through the so called "illusion of self" just back on the 22th of June:

Personal Experience - Illusion of permanent self. Very painful experience.

I was listening to songs and in a very subtle moment I began to see how identity is something that is fabricated from instant to instant giving the illusion of a permanent being that is not really there. It was one of the most brutal experiences I've ever had because it felt like witnessing your...

elysianfields.se

this process has been very very painful, but fun sometimes I guess.