Serious [Actually Serious] I fear that I am losing my sanity and mental competence.

[Deleted member 69]

My social anxiety is getting worse and my head is being filled with violent/rape thoughts.

Today morning ( It's 2 AM right now ) I went to my first government mandated course on how to drive a car. I went to the government-run office and waited there at 8 in the morning. Then people started to come in and I started to panic. Everything went silent and numb for me. While everyone was using their phones and already starting to make conversation even, I was playing with my hair and neck ( My usual defense mechanism to when I start to feel immense fear and anxiety, I run my fingers through my hair and imitate chocking with two hands on my neck ).

All of the sudden people are starting to bring out their IDs and start registering to head to the lecture hall. There I was still sitting still due to immense fear and anxiety. "Too many things could go wrong" is what I always think in these scenarios. There were 2 women sitting next to me which distracted me even further because all I could think about was doing them. Then I finally mustered up the courage after 15 minutes yawning of waiting to go and register. I was literally the last one to do it because of my pussy behavior. Every single woman I saw, even if ugly, I felt like just raping them, idk why. I don't act on those things though, so it's all good really. Just a distraction.

Classroom looks like utter dog-shit but that's because I am probably used to a private school environment. Lecturer starts talking and despite trying my hardest to pay attention, I feel sleepy and start yawning every 5 minutes, NOT AND EXXAGERATION. I also have these weird moments where I got so lost in my thoughts that time just moves forwards while I am completely entranced in this one specific though/scenario I am playing out in my head. It sucks because I am completely unaware if what I am doing in the real world when that happens. I usually will just be staring blankly into the abyss as time goes on. 7 hours felt like 3 because of the disability my brain has to concentrate jfl but I am not complaining. Learnt nothing but I don't understand the local language anyways lmao.

Went back home and jerked off 3 times. The lecture was also 7 hours long but I didn't eat lunch in between. I didn't want to be seen eating alone at the canteen so I opened up a forum on my phone and started arguing with Bojack ( .org/PSL guy )

I realize now though, how insanely stupid and incompetent I am to the average person. Bottom 10 percent of Malaysia I am not even exaggerating.

//Sanju

 

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[Deleted member 9]

Sometimes I try to do things
And it just doesn't work out the way I want it to
And I get real frustrated
And like, I try hard to do it
And I like, take my time, but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to
It's like I concentrate on it real hard
But it just doesn't work out
And everything I do and everything I try
It never turns out
It's like, I need time to figure these things out
But there's always someone there going
"Hey Mike, you know, we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know?
You should maybe get away
And like, maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better"
And I go, "No it's okay, you know, I'll figure it out
Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out, you know?
I'm just working on myself"
They go, "Well you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here, you know
And you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it
So why don't you talk about it?"
I go, "No I don't want to, I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself"
But they just keep bugging me
They just keep bugging me and it builds up inside
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way
I'm not crazy (institutionalized)
You're the one that's crazy (institutionalized)
You're driving me crazy (institutionalized)
They stick me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was in my room
And I was just like, staring at the walls thinking about everything
But then again, I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there
She called my name and I didn't hear her
And then she started screaming, "Mike, Mike"
And I go, "What? What's the matter?"
She goes, "What's the matter with you?"
I go, "There's nothing wrong, mom"
She goes, "Don't tell me that, you're on drugs"
I go, "No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm okay, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a Pepsi?"
She goes, "No, you're on drugs"
I go, "Mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking"
And she goes, "No, you're not thinking, you're on drugs
Normal people don't act that way"
I go, "Mom, just get me a Pepsi, please? All I want's a Pepsi"
And she wouldn't give it to me
All I wanted was a Pepsi
Just one Pepsi
And she wouldn't give it to me
Just a Pepsi
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy (institutionalized)
You're the one that's crazy (institutionalized)
You're driving me crazy (institutionalized)
They stick me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I'm sitting in my room, and my mom and my dad came in
They pulled up a chair and they sat down
They go, "Mike, we need to talk to you"
And I go, "Okay, what's the matter?"
They go, "Me and your mom, we've been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems
And you've been going off for no reason
And we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody
And we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself
So we decided that it would be in your best interest
If we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need"
And I go, "Wait, what are you talking about?
We decided? My best interest?
How do you know what my best interest is?
How can you say what my best interest is?
What are you trying to say? I'm crazy?
When I went to your schools
I went to your churches
I went to your institutional learning facilities
So how can you say I'm crazy?
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally, I'll be dead
I'm not crazy (institutionalized)
You're the one that's crazy (institutionalized)
You're driving me crazy (institutionalized)
They stick me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyway

 

[Myst]

My social anxiety is getting worse and my head is being filled with violent/rape thoughts.

Today morning ( It's 2 AM right now ) I went to my first government mandated course on how to drive a car. I went to the government-run office and waited there at 8 in the morning. Then people started to come in and I started to panic. Everything went silent and numb for me. While everyone was using their phones and already starting to make conversation even, I was playing with my hair and neck ( My usual defense mechanism to when I start to feel immense fear and anxiety, I run my fingers through my hair and imitate chocking with two hands on my neck ).

All of the sudden people are starting to bring out their IDs and start registering to head to the lecture hall. There I was still sitting still due to immense fear and anxiety. "Too many things could go wrong" is what I always think in these scenarios. There were 2 women sitting next to me which distracted me even further because all I could think about was doing them. Then I finally mustered up the courage after 15 minutes yawning of waiting to go and register. I was literally the last one to do it because of my pussy behavior. Every single woman I saw, even if ugly, I felt like just raping them, idk why. I don't act on those things though, so it's all good really. Just a distraction.

Classroom looks like utter dog-shit but that's because I am probably used to a private school environment. Lecturer starts talking and despite trying my hardest to pay attention, I feel sleepy and start yawning every 5 minutes, NOT AND EXXAGERATION. I also have these weird moments where I got so lost in my thoughts that time just moves forwards while I am completely entranced in this one specific though/scenario I am playing out in my head. It sucks because I am completely unaware if what I am doing in the real world when that happens. I usually will just be staring blankly into the abyss as time goes on. 7 hours felt like 3 because of the disability my brain has to concentrate jfl but I am not complaining. Learnt nothing but I don't understand the local language anyways lmao.

Went back home and jerked off 3 times. The lecture was also 7 hours long but I didn't eat lunch in between. I didn't want to be seen eating alone at the canteen so I opened up a forum on my phone and started arguing with Bojack ( .org/PSL guy )

I realize now though, how insanely stupid and incompetent I am to the average person. Bottom 10 percent of Malaysia I am not even exaggerating.

//Sanju

I can relate heavily, I'm a failure and a disappointment to my friends and family and I can't improve no matter how badly I want to and how hard I try.