Depression It just hit me how bad my situation is

[xaxs]

I have completely failed my academic year, so badly that I'm too ashamed to even admit it anonymously. What makes it worse is that my parents think I'm doing well and continue to happily pay for all my living expenses. That's because I've been lying to them, telling them "everything's going fine."

They genuinely believe I'm doing great, even going so far as to show me off to guests and relatives, talking about how I'm studying at the best place in the country for my field. It makes me feel even worse, because I haven't even attended more than a few lectures this entire year. I've been locked in my apartment the whole time. I feel like a complete fraud.

Honestly, I don't even know what to do anymore. I've been studying here for few years now, and my only real option is to accept this wasted year and move on as if nothing happened. But I have no motivation or energy to pick up a book and start learning again.

My internal state has been completely messed up the past few days. Normally, I just shut everything down and try to forget about it, but nothing ever gets resolved. I can't even find the energy to talk to the few friends I have. I see them online on Discord. I could message them, ask if they want to play something, but I don't even enjoy gaming that much anymore. The urge to talk to people has been fading more and more each day.

At least I have been waking up with a smile each day, but It always starts to fade as the day goes on. I believe soon I won't even have that luxury.

I don’t even know why I'm talking about this stuff, to be honest. Feel like only thing I can do is rant about life at this point haha. I'm just really disgusted with myself.

 

[Naofumi]

 

[xaxs]

is over

 

[xaxs]

My rants end here. I need to move on. Hopefully, I get what I need from this place.

 

[Tabula Rasa]

If you hate your course so much, you could switch to a different field, or just finish with an associate's degree if possible.

 

[bell]

I think I relate to what you're describing, even though the substance of it is different. I dropped out from pre-law a while ago and have been cruising ever since. A lot of the friends I had I stopped talking to. I just couldn't relate to their lives anymore, they'd play videogames and talk about uni and girls and shit which would drive me up the wall. I haven't read a book in a while, no motivation to do anything but keep time.

 

[xaxs]

If you hate your course so much, you could switch to a different field, or just finish with an associate's degree if possible.

I was thinking about it, but I think it's best to push through since I completed a great deal of credits in my first few years.

 

[xaxs]

I think I relate to what you're describing, even though the substance of it is different. I dropped out from pre-law a while ago and have been cruising ever since. A lot of the friends I had I stopped talking to. I just couldn't relate to their lives anymore, they'd play videogames and talk about uni and girls and shit which would drive me up the wall. I haven't read a book in a while, no motivation to do anything but keep time.

Ye, I know that feeling, kinda have to force a little habit. Read a few chaoters a day, force yourself for a walk etc. I notice if I'm doing my gym split 4-5 times a week, it keeps me sane, but If I skip 1 day it spirals and I end up skipping a whole week.

For me I must do this. I think leaving this, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

 

[bell]

Ye, I know that feeling, kinda have to force a little habit. Read a few chaoters a day, force yourself for a walk etc. I notice if I'm doing my gym split 4-5 times a week, it keeps me sane, but If I skip 1 day it spirals and I end up skipping a whole week.

For me I must do this. I think leaving this, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

You're probably more consistent than me then. I recently got into the mind of teasing out those habits, "workshopping productivity" and so forth. I only recently started going to the gym again. Before, I would begin to unravel if I was pushing myself too hard, thinking that I'd end up crashing out in the future. I figure now that I can't project the present onto any expected outcomes later on, if that makes sense. "I will act today according to how I wish to act in the future."
Since I'd never imagined myself having a future, I was in pursuit of a future that would never come, as if I were taking all the steps necessary without any justification as to what I'd achieve through them. If I work toward small victories in the present, that's good enough for me. I just need to tough it out and have faith that my future self won't give up so easily.

 

[xaxs]

You're probably more consistent than me then. I recently got into the mind of teasing out those habits, "workshopping productivity" and so forth. I only recently started going to the gym again. Before, I would begin to unravel if I was pushing myself too hard, thinking that I'd end up crashing out in the future. I figure now that I can't project the present onto any expected outcomes later on, if that makes sense. "I will act today according to how I wish to act in the future."
Since I'd never imagined myself having a future, I was in pursuit of a future that would never come, as if I were taking all the steps necessary without any justification as to what I'd achieve through them. If I work toward small victories in the present, that's good enough for me. I just need to tough it out and have faith that my future self won't give up so easily.

Yeah, I think focusing on small wins and not overprojecting sounds like a good plan. Hope it works for you.

 

[johnvee]

Kids are supposed to fuck up.