Essay How I see the dating market, how to win?

[xaxs]

Abstract:​

I'll share my view on how the dating economy works and why it's hard to penetrate. Mostly writing this because I see many people just shitting on women when they're really not to blame. I'll take more of a systemic approach, as I think that's a better way to look at the problem than some autistic dive into looks levels and jawlines, etc. Mostly writing this out of boredom, I don't really find this stuff interesting, but maybe some of you have other ideas or views that differ. But yeah, mostly this is just water.


How I see the dating market:

I was thinking about dating theory, why it's become so much harder, and why the blackpill culture is rising. The blackpill is true: attraction pulls are real, that's just a fact. But a big reason why average-looking guys are struggling now isn't just because of competition with better-looking guys, they're also competing against a magical device in every girl's pocket that provides a constant, low-effort flow of dopamine.

That flow is nearly risk-free. She can talk to her girlfriends, get attention from a few orbiters, scroll tiktok, etc. There are many sources. So how does an average guy compete with that? Her life already largely revolves around this feedback loop.

To get through, a guy either needs to have a shock factor, something intense enough to override that flow and make her want to integrate him into her life immediately, or he needs to embed himself into one of the girl's existing systems: friend group, shared hobby, study circle, whatever. Slowly, over time, he becomes part of that structure. At that point, dating might become beneficial or convenient for her, not because of pure attraction, but because he's already embedded.

That second route avoids the need for shock value. It's a slow, organic build(danger for getting friendzoned).

But what about the average guy who isn't part of any girl's life? What can he do? He doesn't have the shock factor. He can't just interrupt the dopamine flow coming from her phone and her social feedback loops. From her perspective, he's not a prize, he's a nuisance. He brings no value.

There are exceptions. Some girls aren't deeply integrated into the system. They use less social media, don't have many friends, or are depressed and not fully aware of their value. These girls are easier to "reach", you can offer things they lack: a voice that listens, a touch that cares. Even if you're not part of their world, they might let you in, because there's a void.

Or maybe she's already in a relationship that doesn't fulfill her. Then you can offer things her current partner doesn't, which makes you valuable by comparison. (I got my first girlfriend through a combination of this and the fact that she wasn't integrated / lacked "something." These cases are rare, but people often don't even notice they exist. Most just ignore them)

But ultimately, this isn't the girl's fault. It's a systems problem. There's no real incentive for a girl to integrate an average guy into her life unless one of those exceptions apply. And if you flipped the roles, if you were constantly getting attention from friends and validation from attractive girls, you wouldn't want some average Becky breaking that flow either. So don't blame the girls.

But yeah, it's a no-win situation for many. You can't brute-force your way in. The system isn't going to change. Your options are:

1. integrate yourself into a system she's already in
2. target the broken souls
3. or become the shock factor through looksmaxxing, statusmaxxing, etc.

What I'm doing:

I'm trying to go for 1 (sadly a hermit), and improve 3 as I can. You really need to be a special case to make 3 work by itself. As for 2, if I come across someone like that (almost never), I'm keeping my eyes open.

D N R WATER

 

[Kal]

`But what about the average guy who isn't part of any girl's life? What can he do?`

Cosplay.

Personally for me, I am only interested in girls that are into anime and other fandom activities. Because if I don't have interests in common, they are not worth my time. Some gossiping Instagram whore that seeks rapid fire attention is not worth it - and would likely cheat later. So this guide will focus on just "geek" fandom focused girls.

Find out what fangirls are into recently. Do basic research on it. Make or buy a costume for a character that you would look good as. Be shameless in this. Go to an anime convention. If you are decently fit and made a valid attempt at looking good, it's common for girls to start conversations with you. Be friendly but never desperate. If she flirts with you, be appreciative but never lose your composure.

Cosplay girls are desirable. But the opposite works just as well on them. That's my "shock factor".
So many guys just wear drab clothes, they never stand out. Why would a girl talk to jeans and tee shirt guy #83?
Cosplay covers that factor, and instantly gives a shared interest to start a conversation.

 

[xaxs]

`But what about the average guy who isn't part of any girl's life? What can he do?`

Cosplay.

Personally for me, I am only interested in girls that are into anime and other fandom activities. Because if I don't have interests in common, they are not worth my time. Some gossiping Instagram whore that seeks rapid fire attention is not worth it - and would likely cheat later. So this guide will focus on just "geek" fandom focused girls.

Find out what fangirls are into recently. Do basic research on it. Make or buy a costume for a character that you would look good as. Be shameless in this. Go to an anime convention. If you are decently fit and made a valid attempt at looking good, it's common for girls to start conversations with you. Be friendly but never desperate. If she flirts with you, be appreciative but never lose your composure.

Cosplay girls are desirable. But the opposite works just as well on them. That's my "shock factor".
So many guys just wear drab clothes, they never stand out. Why would a girl talk to jeans and tee shirt guy #83?
Cosplay covers that factor, and instantly gives a shared interest to start a conversation.

Yeah, I think it's good approach, it gives you that "shock factor" and makes it easier for her to integrate you to her life(shared interests)

I think people call it "nichemaxxing" which ties up well with 1(indirectly in this case, showing it's easy to integrate) and 3.

 

[bell]

To get through, a guy either needs to have a shock factor, something intense enough to override that flow and make her want to integrate him into her life immediately, or he needs to embed himself into one of the girl's existing systems: friend group, shared hobby, study circle, whatever. Slowly, over time, he becomes part of that structure. At that point, dating might become beneficial or convenient for her, not because of pure attraction, but because he's already embedded.

That's probably right. I think there are other duties that a guy needs to perform in order to be seen as "competent", so it isn't just integrating into this structure but acquiring, mirroring, patterns of behaviour which might elevate you in her mind. A lot of it is just "vibes", the danger of getting friendzoned lies squarely in the fact that convenience is only one step below the performative part.
As you integrate yourself into this structure, you're subject in greater part to the whims of hiveminded impulses. There's probably a more complicated argument to be made about how women absorb leftward capeshit and apply that to their own relationships. I'd probably conclude from that that women want relationships to be "veto-proof" (in terms of some invisible actor prescribing value to a pairing). Or at least strong enough to not buck before a friend's complaint, which I have personally observed.

But ultimately, this isn't the girl's fault. It's a systems problem. There's no real incentive for a girl to integrate an average guy into her life unless one of those exceptions apply. And if you flipped the roles, if you were constantly getting attention from friends and validation from attractive girls, you wouldn't want some average Becky breaking that flow either. So don't blame the girls.​

I don't really buy this. Or I disagree in part. For me, there's a lot more to it than just the starting conditions, even with a surplus in resources. Likewise I don't think that her "system" is chiefly responsible for how easy it might be to "integrate" into her life, or whatever form of life she feels most compatible with her own.
I guess I'm more willing to prescribe them some form of agency, since, for instance, the pursuit of a relationship and sex and so forth might turn solely on her views toward "sex" in general. You might argue that's because of social media. Though I think girls who qualify as being "in the system" might provide for edgecases, such as tradwives, who, extending from the analogy you offered, would still have all the starting resources (unless they're insulated from these), but require added criteria which don't fit neatly here. Aside from that I agree with most of what you've said.

Writing that has made me think a lot about highschool sweethearts. A lot to think about, but most of the time it makes me suicidal so maybe not.

Personally for me, I am only interested in girls that are into anime and other fandom activities. Because if I don't have interests in common, they are not worth my time. Some gossiping Instagram whore that seeks rapid fire attention is not worth it - and would likely cheat later. So this guide will focus on just "geek" fandom focused girls.

Find out what fangirls are into recently. Do basic research on it. Make or buy a costume for a character that you would look good as. Be shameless in this. Go to an anime convention. If you are decently fit and made a valid attempt at looking good, it's common for girls to start conversations with you. Be friendly but never desperate. If she flirts with you, be appreciative but never lose your composure.

Cosplay girls are desirable. But the opposite works just as well on them. That's my "shock factor".
So many guys just wear drab clothes, they never stand out. Why would a girl talk to jeans and tee shirt guy #83?
Cosplay covers that factor, and instantly gives a shared interest to start a conversation.

It's probably because I'm an uglybastard, but cosplay always seemed to me an end which leaves a man buckbroken. Is it normal to jump into such a laughable alternative if it gets you some poontang?

 

[xaxs]

I think there are other duties that a guy needs to perform in order to be seen as "competent", so it isn't just integrating into this structure but acquiring, mirroring, patterns of behaviour which might elevate you in her mind. A lot of it is just "vibes"

Yes I agree completely, this was kind of just "system analysis." There're bunch of things that goes inside, and integration alone isn't enough if it doesn't come with those cues you talked about.

I don't really buy this. Or I disagree in part. For me, there's a lot more to it than just the starting conditions, even with a surplus in resources. Likewise I don't think that her "system" is chiefly responsible for how easy it might be to "integrate" into her life, or whatever form of life she feels most compatible with her own.
I guess I'm more willing to prescribe them some form of agency, since, for instance, the pursuit of a relationship and sex and so forth might turn solely on her views toward "sex" in general. You might argue that's because of social media. Though I think girls who qualify as being "in the system" might provide for edgecases, such as tradwives, who, extending from the analogy you offered, would still have all the starting resources (unless they're insulated from these), but require added criteria which don't fit neatly here. Aside from that I agree with most of what you've said.

I'm not saying this "system" eliminates agency, it just incentivizes conformity. But yes, you're correct.

 

[incelkingkong]

you either got it or you don't

 

[Xuelian Baijie]

Not sure i want to read all that. Its my first post of the day
Dating is a capitalist invention.
If you call it dating you are setting yourself at a disadvantage unless you are a well to do man who can rapidly build report with females.
Most girls are leftoid and referring to it as a market will encourage them to not participate.

 

[bell]

There are exceptions. Some girls aren't deeply integrated into the system. They use less social media, don't have many friends, or are depressed and not fully aware of their value. These girls are easier to "reach", you can offer things they lack: a voice that listens, a touch that cares. Even if you're not part of their world, they might let you in, because there's a void.​

How do you even find girls like this? I mainly attribute my inceldom to geographical conditions and being "outcasted" from all forms of social engagement. I'd like to think that there are vulnerable women like this but for some queer reason they get reabsorbed into all the goonerspheres, at least from what I've seen. On that note: aside from clubs, where do you even go to find people? Local churches here, for instance, are nondenominational, mainly frequented by Koreans (I have no idea why). And there aren't any tradgirls in attendance, and even if there were assortative mating ensures that they'd rather go for Kevin Nguyen types. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to university solely for the social opportunities, but from my experience anything outside of artsy courses is subject to the same partygoer mentality.

Not sure i want to read all that. Its my first post of the day
Dating is a capitalist invention.
If you call it dating you are setting yourself at a disadvantage unless you are a well to do man who can rapidly build report with females.
Most girls are leftoid and referring to it as a market will encourage them to not participate.

Brootal. A lot of girls I've seen on social media deny the existence of the sexual market completely. It usually doesn't mean they'll dip out of the market per se, instead just making it more vibes-based than it was before. Like that girl on Tinder a while back who made a big thing of screening for political preferences. Centrist/rightward a big no-no.

 

[Xuelian Baijie]

It usually doesn't mean they'll dip out of the market per se, instead just making it more vibes-based than it was before.

Yeah i was meaning more like leave your market. Thinking of it like a market grosses them out.

 

[xaxs]

How do you even find girls like this? I mainly attribute my inceldom to geographical conditions and being "outcasted" from all forms of social engagement. I'd like to think that there are vulnerable women like this but for some queer reason they get reabsorbed into all the goonerspheres, at least from what I've seen. On that note: aside from clubs, where do you even go to find people? Local churches here, for instance, are nondenominational, mainly frequented by Koreans (I have no idea why). And there aren't any tradgirls in attendance, and even if there were assortative mating ensures that they'd rather go for Kevin Nguyen types. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to university solely for the social opportunities, but from my experience anything outside of artsy courses is subject to the same partygoer mentality.

I wouldn't put trad types to this, or anyone like "artsy" girls, they habe their sub-groups where their values dominate over the normal social media way. And they seem quite "happy" in that place

It's hard to find, they really aren't anywhere. I found my ex in a forum by pure chance. But I've seen more people like this, you can just see how they carry themselves, their manerisms, they're lost.

In another uni, which I left shortly, there was one of these, and you can sense it, it's weird. For some reason nobody else seemed to notice(no guy went to talk to her, didn't fit with the girls just seemed out of place), it's weird. I did develop a crush to her, she was like me tbh. I talked to her couple of times and looking back on it, it was kinda obvious she wanted something to her life, like me. But yeah, I was super anxious back then so I didn't pursue her, only few chats, but there was something, i'm not delusional in these matters. And it would have been really easy as there was this clear void where I or many could have just walked in.

Thinking on this there usually is at least one of these in a place like school, and if you can read mannerism somewhat it's kinda obvious, it's "written in their face." I think the hard part is finding an excuse to go talk to them tbh.

For where I go to meet girls, I don't go anywhere, bro. After summer I'll try to engage with the school more, but it's kinda hard when all of them have groups. Will see